Mental Workout

It is always interesting to see that a certain location can have an affect on your relationship with God, whether it be positive or negative. When I'm home removed from the world, listening to the radio, or working on my bible study by relationship with Him is easier. But being new in my walk with God I guess He wants me to know just how much He wants to strengthen our relationship. It literally takes constant mental reminders to bring myself back to Jesus. And being away from my normal everyday routine environment it has been a constant struggle to bring myself to concentrate on Him when I feel myself getting off track. Sometimes it is easy to feel His mercy and love and to concentrate fully on that, and others I hear myself saying to draw back to God and my mind feels so removed that I have to REALLY sometimes physically (closing my eyes or talking to myself) remind myself to go back to God. It is a constant mental workout! But like any muscle it will stretch and flex easier over time and will work more efficiently. But in the end I know this is all part of our walk together.

Don't Put All Your Emotions in One Basket

My main purpose in traveling to Blacksburg was to spend the couple days at the REACH Women's Retreat. But I was also looking forward to visiting my good friend who I have been close to for 6 years. He was the friend that everyone couldn't understand why you weren't in a real relationship. For the later part of those 6 years I would wonder the same questions. It was a very strange balance of the same two thoughts. Maybe one day far down the road when we had experienced life we would bring down the walls. And we were only meant for this and nothing more, soon to drift apart and create our own lives.

Over the course of our 6 year friendship I would ride from genuine love to rejection, from side splitter laughter and play-fights to cries over anger and loneliness.  But underneath all that the feeling of unworthy would show itself almost daily.

So when I left Blacksburg to go to Richmond I was excited at the idea of creating a life that would not involve the daily thoughts or actions surrounding him. I needed to get away and to discover myself, make a new me. In coming back to Blacksburg after not seeing him since January and keeping the phone calls to once a month, I discover more about myself in a matter a couple days.

He too had started to create a new life filled with new friends, a few who I already knew. He bonded very strongly to one of his guy friends while I was away. I came back to watch his friend living the friendship that I knew very well. It was very interesting to watch our 'old' friendship from the outside, this time a guy was taking my place. I took the time to concentrate on what emotions would arise since I made the decision to work on my relationship with God, and I knew he wanted to work with me in this place. I was surprised that not a lot of jealousy surfaced. Under the amusement of watching our friendship from the outside I discovered one thought that continued to surface.

While watching the two of them I would continue to see the friendship that I had wanted. His openness of admiration and respect for his friend. The way he talked about how much his friend added to his life. How he openly did acts of kindness without feeling the need to. And how parts of their friendship were the reverse of ours. He would pick play-fights with his friend and never grew tired of being around his friend.

I felt very pleased that he had found a friend that he loved so dearly. But I couldn't help but feel alone and sadness that I could not have been that for him. His friend had exactly what I had wanted all along, he had the open love and respect of his friend that I had wished my friend had felt for me, like I had of him.

And this I feel is where God wants to walk with me.

Starting at point A

After finding myself again in the Lord I have decided that I will be beginning a bible study. The title of the study is Face to Face with His Loving Kindness.

While visiting Blacksburg I grew closer to Jesus in many ways and have been given the opportunity to discover old heartaches that I know God has called me to work on with Him. Because I know this will be a growing experience walking with Jesus I decided to blog and pray about what He brings into my heart.

*That I should only seek the approval of Him and can find no fulfillment in anyone else.*

I feel this to be the core of a lot of heartache emotions that I find surface on a daily basis. I will be excited to walk with Jesus and what He has to tell me about Him.