Don't Put All Your Emotions in One Basket

My main purpose in traveling to Blacksburg was to spend the couple days at the REACH Women's Retreat. But I was also looking forward to visiting my good friend who I have been close to for 6 years. He was the friend that everyone couldn't understand why you weren't in a real relationship. For the later part of those 6 years I would wonder the same questions. It was a very strange balance of the same two thoughts. Maybe one day far down the road when we had experienced life we would bring down the walls. And we were only meant for this and nothing more, soon to drift apart and create our own lives.

Over the course of our 6 year friendship I would ride from genuine love to rejection, from side splitter laughter and play-fights to cries over anger and loneliness.  But underneath all that the feeling of unworthy would show itself almost daily.

So when I left Blacksburg to go to Richmond I was excited at the idea of creating a life that would not involve the daily thoughts or actions surrounding him. I needed to get away and to discover myself, make a new me. In coming back to Blacksburg after not seeing him since January and keeping the phone calls to once a month, I discover more about myself in a matter a couple days.

He too had started to create a new life filled with new friends, a few who I already knew. He bonded very strongly to one of his guy friends while I was away. I came back to watch his friend living the friendship that I knew very well. It was very interesting to watch our 'old' friendship from the outside, this time a guy was taking my place. I took the time to concentrate on what emotions would arise since I made the decision to work on my relationship with God, and I knew he wanted to work with me in this place. I was surprised that not a lot of jealousy surfaced. Under the amusement of watching our friendship from the outside I discovered one thought that continued to surface.

While watching the two of them I would continue to see the friendship that I had wanted. His openness of admiration and respect for his friend. The way he talked about how much his friend added to his life. How he openly did acts of kindness without feeling the need to. And how parts of their friendship were the reverse of ours. He would pick play-fights with his friend and never grew tired of being around his friend.

I felt very pleased that he had found a friend that he loved so dearly. But I couldn't help but feel alone and sadness that I could not have been that for him. His friend had exactly what I had wanted all along, he had the open love and respect of his friend that I had wished my friend had felt for me, like I had of him.

And this I feel is where God wants to walk with me.